I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
