and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
