just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
