There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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