So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
