i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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