I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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