4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
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