did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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