I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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