life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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