I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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