when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's shark week go big or go home
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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