you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
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I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it was like having sex with a tree stump
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
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I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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