Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
