I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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