Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
