I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
