You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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