I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
