hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
