I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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