I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
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I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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