you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
