i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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