so that wasnt chicken after all
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I FOUND THE LEGS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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