Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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