somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
