this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize