I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
