i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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