To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
