I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
