Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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