OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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