Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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