Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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