I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
