I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
