Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
