you turned your livingroom into a bong?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
