It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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