Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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