You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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