did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
