nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
