oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
