On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
