i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
