piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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