I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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