just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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