i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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