I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she peed on how many people?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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