Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
