We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
