Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
